Closed Captions…Like Boston College’s Football Program…Subpar and Considered Acceptable By the Majority…(Yes, I am in a MOOD after that game last night!)

I am yet to encounter anyone around my age in the last few weeks who hasn’t gleefully spewed out, “OH MY GOD! DID YOU HEAR THE NEWS!? NETFLIX IS RELEASING THE DARK CRYSTAL: THE SERIES!”  That very loud, animated, and overly excited share is met with silence from me…and The Look. (Those of you that know me very well know exactly The Look I am talking about – that mix of disgust, disdain and judgment that I cannot hide, no matter how hard I try…That Look.) The Dark Crystal Crazies can not even begin to understand why I’m not sharing in their confetti throwing and ribbon dancing – well, let me explain with a barely even, measured tone: I. Hate. The. Dark. Crystal. 

I have two of the most amazing, loving and adventurous parents ever – and they were constantly dreaming up new ways to keep us kids entertained while simultaneously providing different types of life experiences.  I am not clear as to how old I was, but I am guessing that I was somewhere around 10 years old. My well-meaning parents decided one summer night while we were vacationing on Cape Cod to take us to the drive-in theater!  A totally awesome and novel throw-back to time gone by that was almost seductive in its smells of popcorn, cotton candy and car exhaust. All felt right with the world for an instant as I sat in the big blue van waiting for the move to start…such glorious anticipation of seeing a story come to life on that giant white screen…and then The Muppets came.  

Those goddamn Muppets.  The speakers were crackly and old which was bad enough…but for a kid that requires support from lip reading to completely understand conversation and follow a storyline…THE GODDAMN MUPPETS DON’T HAVE LIPS! Ever try and lip-read puppets? It’s not pretty.  The addition of captions or assisted listening devices didn’t exist way back in the mid-80s. Sadly, the options that are offered in today’s theaters are equally unreliable and inefficient, but that is another blog post (or book) on its own. I was left with no options to enjoy this movie as my frustration level began to rise. I retreated to the back of the van with a book and a flashlight, feeling dejected and excluded.  It was a sad and blatant reminder of my ever present “otherness” – regardless of how much I pretended that it wasn’t true, that I was “just like everyone else except for my hearing aids”.  

The inclusion of captioning has now become more commonplace on television, Netflix, On-demand movies, YouTube videos…the options have increased, though it is not a perfect system.  But we have to talk about the fact that I swear there is someone like me, with compromised hearing, either typing or managing those things…especially on live TV. We can do better, believe me – 

I was watching the news one day, and the reporter said, “The Dow dropped twelve points today”.  The caption that supported this on the bottom of the screen read, “The Dowser drot to elves too hayd.”  You can’t make this up. Put on live television and select the caption option to see for yourself the absurdity that is being passed off as an acceptable accommodation. I am fortunate enough that I can hear most of the words that the reporters or whomever is speaking is saying, which supports my ability to put together a clearer picture of what is happening, but not all hearing imparied people have that ability.

The non-live options for television shows, movies and the like are also not super helpful to those of us that really cannot hear all that well, either.  For example, I was watching a television show and there were no words being spoken during a particular scene, but there was background music. The ever helpful caption stated, “light jazz melody”.  Umm…this doesn’t help those of us that have NEVER HEARD MUSIC BEFORE! Nope. Thank you for the effort, but it would be better off to flash the message: “NOTHING IS HAPPENING NOW. GOOD TIME TO GO TO THE BATHROOM.”  I appreciate the attempt to offer some sense of a “playing peaceful melody” or “crashing of ocean waves”…but it is really not helpful if we have never heard those sounds.

And so I soldier on, hoping for continued awareness and improvement in assistive technology for the hearing impaired.  And – for the record – I’m not watching “The Dark Crystal”, even with captions!