I was in a situation a few years back – I had applied for admission into a graduate program at Lesley University, and due to my hearing loss I communicate with greater ease through the use of print – namely, text messages and emails.
I received an email from an admissions officer requesting that I call him to review some components of my application. I shared that I am hearing impaired, and best communicate through text or emails.
The response I received was an exuberant “That’s GREAT! I have been wanting to practice my sign language! Let’s set up a Skype call so I can talk with you!”
I read the email, took a deep breath and paused for a moment –
I realized that the INTENT of this offer likely came from a genuine desire to assist and accommodate my hearing loss.
The IMPACT, however, was quite the opposite. Through this offer, a presumption was clearly made about me – because I shared that I had a hearing loss, the conclusion was that I needed to be treated a certain way – that I required a sign language Skype phone call and that I could be used as a “practice buddy” for this person to hone their sign language skills.
So, I did what I usually do when these situations arise – as they do frequently – I sighed to myself, muttered under my breath for a minute, and then politely declined his offer, and reiterated that text and email would be appropriate –
I experience these types of microaggressions all the time – and I bring it back to the idea of INTENT vs. IMPACT in impressions, statements, and actions that we engage in with one another.
The intention of the ideas you are sharing, compliments you are giving or offers of assistance that you are extending may be in conflict with the IMPACT that your actions are having on someone’s sense of safety, security, confidence, interest and desire to engage with you for any longer than necessary.
I offer another dialogue that I have found myself involved in far too many times – and it most frequently occurs after someone that is Deaf has excelled in an area or achieved something and it has been shared with the public.
For example, Nyle DiMarco was a contestant on the show, “Dancing with the Stars” in 2016. The amount of times that someone said to me a version of this statement: “OH! Did you KNOW that there is a guy on Dancing with the Stars who is DEAF!? He does SO WELL!”
Really, you could swap out Nyle DiMarco for any public figure that happens to have a hearing loss – for example, the actress Marlee Matlin, Miss America 1995 Heather Whitestone or Linda Bouve of Sesame Street. The message is the same – That it is a miracle of sorts that someone with a hearing loss can go on and achieve things in spite of this horrible condition that they are plagued with – again – INTENT VS. IMPACT. And, of course, there is an underlying presumption of incompetence – that while this person may have achieved this extraordinary feat by “overcoming” this disability – the rest of us may not.
These types of situations occur often – with both people that have known me for the majority of my life or those that are on the receiving end of one of my disclosure speeches – “Hi, just so you know I wear two hearing aids and I may need you to repeat things” –
These microaggressions imply that the person with whom I am interacting has made a judgement about my level of competence, my intellect, my preferred communication style and perhaps about my overall functioning in a world that was not designed with my needs in mind.
It is time to shift our thinking to the least dangerous assumption – to presume competence of those that you meet that happen to have a disability. We are more than our symptoms, our outward physical challenges, or our behavioral manifestations.
I know that I have been guilty of making a judgment about someone based off an “affixed label” or outward appearance – which is mortifying to say out loud – but it is my truth, and for many of you I am confident that it is yours, too.
Susan Rubin, an autistic self-advocate, put it best when she stated, “I do not want to be the poster child for autism. I do not want to carry that burden.” I echo her sentiment – I do not want to be the poster child for those with a hearing impairment or representative of anyone else that has a disability of any type – my experiences are just that, my experiences.
I ask you, as we move forward together, to begin to always make the least dangerous assumption – always presume competence.
In closing, I would like to share a quote from the famed football coach of the Green Bay Packers football team – and a personal hero and inspiration to our family, but especially my Dad: “The measure of who we are is what we do with what we have” ~ Vince Lombardi.
Go forth, then, out into the world – and find those that are different from you, ask the curious questions, presume competence and may we all do the best with the gifts we have been given.
Deaf, But Not Really: My Story 